Sand In My Bikini Bottoms: The Sohma's Beach Trip
by hollylizzy
Summary: it's a fine day in Tokyo, and the Sohmas and Tohru! decide to go on a beach trip...rated M just in case and because of the slight perversion of some characters. On a short hiatus.
1. Yellow Hair and Black Bikinis

This a story of happiness, the difficulty of choosing a place to sit on the beach, and the problems with camcorders and hormonal teens. It also involves 'Adult Content' and several filthy mouths. And I don't own Fruits Basket. Or Avril Lavigne. But I do own Yellow Hair Girl. And the pornographic films Shigure talks about? I own them. Ya better believe it. Anyway...read and review. 

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It was a fine, fine day in Tokyo, and the Sohma family had decided to go to a beach for the day. Well, Shigure and Ayame had decided to go to the beach for the day. The rest of the family somehow got pulled into the proceedings, like they do. The poor wee mites. Anyway. They were divided into three groups and then shockingly put into three cars to these reactions:  
'I wanna go with Onee-chan! Onee-chan, Onee-chaaaan!'  
'No groping in the backseat! No groping! This means you, Akito!'  
'Am I allowed to sit on my own? Not on someone elses lap?'  
'I flatly refuse to sit with Momiji. After what happened last time...' Finally, they managed to sort themselves out. God knows how, but they did. And armed with plentiful supplies of candy, beach toys, baby oil, flip-flops, and false eyelashes they set off on --title comes up in dramatic text-- THE SOHMA BEACH TRIP.

After an abnormally uneventful trip, they arrived at The Beach. Shigure, Ayame and Hatori, having been separated for the entire trip, ran up to each other and started screaming and bouncing around, similar to a trio of overexcited teenage girls, or maybe a pack of hyenas. And Ayame being Ayame, he just had to utter those fatal, evil words. 'So...WHERE ARE WE SITTING?!' Haru wanted to sit near the rocks. Kyo wanted to sit on the sand dunes. Tohru wanted to sit on the sand. Kagura wanted to sit over there, by the lighthouse! Kyo, darling! Let's sit by the lighthouse!'. Kureno and Akito, frankly, were far too busy hissing at each other about ice cream and the stains they leave on kimonos to care where they sat. And our favourite horse? Well, she was sulking in the car, pretending to have a bad time. Then the arguments began.  
'I wanna sit over THEREEEEE!'  
'Shiggy, let me sit with you...'  
'Can we sit by the ice cream stall?'  
'I think it would be nice to sit there, by the rock pools.'  
'What the hell? Why there? That's a crappy place to pick, you damn rat!'  
'I'm having a shit time! I'm having a shit time! I'm having a shit time!'  
Finally, amongst much pimp-slapping, promises of sexual favours, thumb twiddling and flipping coins, they decided to sit next to the All Girls Private School Volleyball Match and the muscle man competition, on the sand, with a pile of rocks to the left and two trees to tie a hammock from. Shigure was joyful, Hatori and Ayame were playing with the false eyelashes, Tohru had fallen asleep and Haru was placing circular pink sweets at strategic points on her body much to the amusement of Hiro, Kisa was sucking her thumb and being cuddled by 'Auntie Akito', Kureno and Rin were fighting over the spare black bikini ('You're not even a girl!' 'Doesn't mean I don't like wearing bikinis!'), Momiji and Kagura were charming the little old lady at the ice cream stall into giving them free ice creams, and SEXY ORANGE TOP KYO was being walked after by a girl with yellow hair who was murmuring something that sounded like 'you've been a bad,bad kitty, and now you're gonna pay!' All in good spirits, of course.

In the next fifteen minutes, Kyo had been molested by the girl with yellow hair...

'Ooh, you are naughty...BAD kitty! BAD kitty!'  
'meow.' 'meow, damn you!'  
'meow...aren't you dying to know if its true about cats and their tongues?'  
'ooh, well, when you put it like that...'  
Thus followed a lot of shrieking and laughing, not to mention a pair of sheer gingham knickers being thrown over and landing on Shigure's head, much to his happiness and crossing-of-legs. At this Yuki remarked 'I never knew he favoured blue over pink. I'll remember that for Christmas.'

And Kureno having lost the fight over the bikini and having attracted rather a large amount of attention by dressing in Rins discarded underwear and sunning himself...

'Mummy, why is that man in ladies underwear? He doesn't have boobies.'  
'He doesn't have the other thing, either, darling.'  
'Say, I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side.'  
'And I like violent psycho women with tiny breasts and who use me as a sex toy.'

And a rather unfortunate incident involving Haru, Yuki, a spare skirt of Tohrus and that crap Avril song, Girlfriend...

'HEY HEY!  
YU-KI!  
I DON'T LIKE YOUR BOYFRIENDDDDDD! NO WAY! NO WAY!  
I THINK YOU NEED THIS NEW ONE!  
HEY! HEY!  
YU-KI!  
I COULD BE YOUR BOYFRIENDDDDD!  
Etc...

'Oh my god, oh my god!'  
'Don't cry my name out when we're not having sex.'  
'What's sex, auntie Akito?'  
'...'  
'...'  
'Sex, Kisa, is a wonderful, physical thi-'  
'SHUTTUP AAYA!'  
'Oh, Ha'ri, you're so touchy.'  
'...I think Shigure's asking for a sing-song.'  
'Am I that predictable?'  
'Non, my love, it is just that our minds are so closely entwined it is impossible not to know what you are thinking!'  
'Do you ever shut up?!'  
'Oooh, am I hurting your poor little eardrums, Kyo-kuuuun?'  
'Shuttup! Where's yellow-hair girl?!'  
'Hiro! Stop pimping that poor girl!'  
'Kyo...please save me from this little boy. The fur is unbecoming.'  
'Yuki...I have another song for you...'  
'Rin, would you like Haru for a bit?'  
'Only if he's blackkkk, fuckbucket.'  
'I think he's black...I'm pretty sure he's black...'  
'I'M GONNA FUCKING RULE YOUUU, YUKI!'  
'Haru-kuuuun...I need some help with my bikini bottoms...oh, they're falling right down...'  
'Everyone look to the right!'  
'Everyone cover their ears!'  
'...what do we do now?  
' 'What do you mean?'  
'I thought this was a dance!'  
'Me too!'  
'No...it's to stop you seeing what Rin and Haru are doing.'  
'WHERE'S THE CAMCORDER?!' 'STOP SHIGURE! STOP HIM!'  
'Too late...'  
'Hi, I'm Shuigure Sohma, you may remember me from such erotic films as Big Boy's Back In Tokyo Town, Summer-Colored Sigh, and Kureno and Akito: UNCUT III, and I'm here today to present to you┘Hot Goths IIII!'  
'Does anyone know where Tohru is?'

To be continued. And where is Tohru, come to think of it...?


	2. The Suction Power Of Seahorses!

**whoo, it's the next chappie. features a naked Haru (aw, c'mon...it's rated M!), Tohru pretending to be Jeffree Star and a dance by Ritsu and Momiji. Fun. ****I don't own Fruits Basket, Bloodhound Gang, or Jeffree Star. Now REVIEWWW! and i'm sorry about the length of this one...i'm in a bit of a hurry.**

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'Look!' Momiji cried 'It's TOHRUUUU!'

Almost everyone (the almost is due to Rin and Haru, who were now putting on quite an extravagant show, all for Shigure and the rest of the beachs' benefit.) raised their heads to the sky where Momiji was pointing. But all they saw was an expanse of...blue. 'Momiji, Tohru's not there.' said the dragon, pushing his aviators further up his noble nose. 'Nooo! Not that way! I'm Momiji Sohma! Do you really not know me that well? Just because i'm pointing somewhere, it deson't mean the thing that i've seen is actually where i'm pointing!' The rabbit finished this absurdly long sentance in a giggle and swung his arm to the left, hitting the bottle of baby oil Kureno was applying to Akito's pale back and sending it flying straight into Kisa's lap. Aya removed it from Kisa and waggled it, leering, at Hatori. 'We can use this later, Ha'ri...'  
'I take it you don't mean in the medical sense?'  
'I don't mean it in the medical sense, let me assure you.'  
'Good.'  
The dragon and the snake, apparently not at all interested in the whereabouts of Shigures little flower, snuck behind a rock and most innapropriate noises were heard. Meanwhile, the rest of the family were gaping at Tohru. She was up on the top of a cliff, a microphone in hand, shaking her tiny bottom and singing what seemed to be Plastic Surgery Slumber Party by a certain Jeffree Star in her cute little-girly voice.

'Vinyl black stilettos,  
and fake eye-lashes,  
Blue eye shadow,  
everything perfectly matches

Touch my plastic face,  
and see what happens,  
I'm hiding from the world  
behind Chanel sunglasses

DO-I-LOOK-FAT?!'

'Yeah, you do!' cried out Akito, who blamed Tohru for everything. But we already knew that. But the rest of the Sohma clan were screaming appreciatively, especially Shigure, who seemed to have his lens pointed right up Tohru's skirt and seemed to be muttering something along the lines of 'pornography gold, ooh, yes...'.

-Ten minutes later-

A miracle had occurred.  
Akito was congratulating Tohru.  
'I'm sorry for saying that you looked fat...I'm so very sorry.'  
'It's okay, Akito.'  
'And I'm sorry for taking indecent pictures of you and Kisa when you weren't looking!'  
'Er...right.'  
'And you sing beautifully.'  
'Thank...you...'  
'And I never meant to forcibly pull you off the floor by your hair, shake you around and make you cry!'  
'Uh huh...'  
Oh, glory days.  
During all this, Rin and Haru had stopped fornicating on the beach and were rearranging their clothing, with difficulty.  
'There's sand stuck in my zipper!'  
'You think you have problems, Haru? There's seaweed in my...urrgh...cold...wet...'  
'In your WHAT?'  
'Never you mind...urrgh...' Rin winced in disgust.  
'Kyo...help? I CAN'T go around with my male parts hanging out all day, as much as you and everyone else would like it.'  
'WHY ME?!' Kyo screamed, although secretly he was anticipating doing up Haru's zipper like a cat anticipates being fed a bowl of fresh milk.  
'Look, Kyo, SHUT UP COMPLAINING AND GET YOUR SHAPELY ASS OVER HERE!'  
Kyo did exactly what he was told, being the -cough- submissive little kitty-kat he is.  
Shigure reached for the video camera.

-Another exhaustive ten minutes later-

'Haru...I really don't think that sand is gonna get out of your zipper.'  
'FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO USELESS?!'  
'Why does everyone keep saying my friggin name?' cried Akito, who still had the whip in the boot of the car.  
'But Haru...there is a solution.' The cat looked up at the ox with eyelids half-lowered.  
'Tell me!'  
'You can go around nakeeed!'  
Shigure licked his lips. Ayame licked Shigures neck.  
'NAK-' Haru paused in a thoughtful pose.  
'Actually, Kyo, that isn't a half bad idea.'  
He then proceeded to unbutton his shirt, then looked down at the hapless Kyo. He smirked.  
'TAKE OFF MY TROUSERS, OR I'LL GET YUKI TO RAPE YOU.'  
Poor, poor Kyo.  
No. Lucky, lucky Kyo.

Ayame's inflatable boombox was playing, Haru was lying naked bar Hatori's aviators on the sand, Kisa and Hiro were playing with beach toys, yellow-hair-girl had befriended Yuki and he was crying into her bikini strap about 'The way...the way...THE WAY THE RAT HAS NO BLADDER!', Kyo was ogling Haru and yellow-hair-girl, and the rest of the family were lying back and generally having a good ol' time.  
There was just one problem.  
The song blaring from Aya's inflatable boombox was The Bad Touch.  
Yes, by the Bloodhound Gang.  
Yes...the rude one.  
And Aya was refusing to turn it off.  
Oh, my.  
'You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So lets do it like they do on the discovery channel!'  
Everyone gaped at Momiji who was quite happily singing along, snapping his braces and swinging his hips from side to side.  
'AYA, TURN IT OFF.' Hatori demanded, pinning the snake down into the sand and wielding a rather sinister-looking syringe.  
'Oh, Hattie-face, don't! He's having a good time! Look...my little Ritsu's joined in!'  
There was a five second silence and then a mad scramble to see the insane spectactacle that was Momiji and Ritsu singing along to the song, moving their feet from side to side and grinding their hips in a rather obscene fashion.  
'This is funnier than when Hattie-face danced to Puff The Magic Dragon!' Shigure declared, spluttering and waving his hands in the air in sync with the pair in front of him.  
'SHIGURE...DO YOU WANT AN INJECTION?'  
Shigure paid no notice to this and was now up with Momiji and Ritsu, all three moving their shoulders and making disgusting hand gestures.  
'Where did Momiji learn to do things like that?'  
Kisa blushed.  
By now, Kagura, Tohru, Rin, Kyo, Akito, Kureno, Ayame, Hiro, yellow-hair-girl and a very naked Haru had joined in. (Tohru...hip grinding...-splutter-) The only one's who hadn't were Hatori, Yuki and Kisa, who sat on the sand blushing like crazy and wishing they belonged to some other family. Ritsu decided to take it into his own hands, and putting his arms behind his head and lining up the rest of the family behind him, they moved forward towards the lone three in front of them, putting one hand down in front of the other and with RITSUS AMAZING MONKEY SUPERPOWERS, BADUMDUMDUM, they MADE them join in. Like puppets.  
Yes.

It's all good!

'Good, sleazy, fun!' Shigure announced after the song had ended for the eighteenth time. The rest of the family were too exhausted to reply. The dance had made it's way down the beach, collecting random people and several problems with Hatori and five-hundred odd seahorses flipping out of the sea in a big tidal wave and attaching themselves to him. It caused quite a scene, and a call-out to the Tokyo branch of Seahorse Rescue, which basically translated as Hatori keeping verrrrrry still whilst men in too-tight white overalls gently prised each seahorse off, accompanied by Shigure who made sure to pull just a little too hard. The suction power of seahorses...would you believe it?

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**well, that's the end of that chapter. sorry about the ending...a bit abrupt. and un-ending ish. anyway, review! next chapter up soon, hopefully.**


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